Setting Intentions
March 2023 Slice of Life challenge
The bell rings. Students slowly and chaotically leave.
The risers are flipped and moved out of the way. Boom, boom, boom! The rug is rolled up and pushed aside. Rubbish on the floor is picked up and thrown out. The lights above are turned off. The salt lamp is turned on. The diffuser is set up with peppermint and lavender oils. My yoga mat is rolled out and my yoga blocks are set out. The calming music is now coming out of my speakers. And I wait.
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When I hear myself saying a word or phrase
that is also a song lyric I find I must sing it. Belt it out. The energy of the universe would be incomplete otherwise. Although, there are times when it is more appropriate to secretly sing it inside my head to myself . I have mixed up the two and found myself in a mildly embarrassing situation. A bit embarrassing or not I always own it. And the universe continues on, balanced as it should be. My daughter joined the softball team at her high school this season. I say join because there were no tryouts. She was actually recruited and not because she's an all star player. Rather the coach went digging around and found out she played on the 7th grade team years ago. The coach who is also the assistant principal called my daughter down to her office and put a slight guilt trip on her asking her to join the team. There were not even enough girls to make one team, let alone a JV and varsity teams, so the coach really needed bodies to make this season happen.
Not that long ago I asked my daughter if she ever thought she'd play softball again because I wanted to sell the giant box full of softball things in the garage. She gave me the go ahead and from my driveway I sold everything to one lucky mother and her preteen daughter. And when I say I sold everything, I mean everything: cleats, pants, socks, belt, bats, bags, batting gloves. I tried to talk my daughter out of joining. I told her to remember how intense the volleyball season was with practices, games and long bus rides. All of that making it hard to study for her honors and AP classes as well as taking away time from practicing her instrument and going to her harp lessons. I knew she was being guilted into making this decision and it really wasn't her own idea or desire. It didn't help that my dad is a huge baseball/softball fan and encouraged my daughter to join the team, a little too much if you ask me. Grandma and grandpa even footed the bill for all of the brand new items we needed to get her started on the team. Dick's Sporting Goods says thank you grandma and grandpa. Then my daughter went to a few practices, saw the game and practice schedules as well as all of the extra "bonding" activities and declared "you were right. I should have listened to you." I told her she should get out now before the season has officially started. But she won't. She says she is not a quitter. I explained to her that she was manipulated and guilted into it and there are times when she should not do things for other people, but should instead think of herself first. You may think this is bad advice but there are other factors at play in our lives that I can't write about here that make this the best advice I can give her right now. But of course she will not change course. My only hope now is that she gets something unexpectedly good out of being on this team. And me too, can I get something unexpectedly good out of this experience? Because this will definitely inconvenience my daughter but it is gonna kill me too. Help. Why spring, why did you show me your glorious ways only to go back into hiding?
I saw the sun. The warm comfortable air surrounded me. I heard the birds. I didn’t wear a coat. My dog and I played fetch in the muddy backyard. My daughter had a picnic with friends. Why winter, why did you come back in full force? The sky is gray. The snow falls. The uncomfortable cold air takes over. Where did the birds go? I’m wearing my coat, my hat, my gloves, and my scarf. I’m stuck inside because the outside is no longer calling me. Spring, come back, please. I entered the hospital days before and
the sky was gray, the air was frozen and, the grass was brown. I was wheeled out of the hospital days after and the sky was blue, the air was warm and, the ground was thawed. It was a surprise spring-like day in the middle of winter. There was a time when I told my young daughter that she was born in the spring. She later learned in school that early March was indeed winter and not spring. I remember being kindly labeled a liar. But I am not. I believe I am not. She was born on a spring-like day. Today she sweetly tells me that she was not born on the day I brought her home. Still, my heart believes it was spring. Happy 15th Birthday, C. On one hand, it’s a major time suck.
Scroll and scroll and scroll. Scroll, someone’s dinner Scroll, someone’s vacation Close the app. Open the app. Scroll and scroll and scroll. Scroll, someone’s complaint Scroll, dog/cat video Close the app. Numb. On the other hand, it keeps you up to date with current events. Scroll and scroll and scroll. Scroll, news story Scroll, statistics, graphs, research study Close the app. Open the app. Scroll and scroll and scroll. Scroll, court case ruling Scroll, take action item Close the app. Educated. I have noticed several blog teasers about Wordle.
I’ve seen Facebook posts referring to it. I have heard people on podcasts talk about it. My daughter has asked me on several occasions if I know about it. It seems as if there is a craze. Is it wrong that if there is a craze I want nothing to do with it? It’s out of some kind of spite to the universe. I want to be a part of it less because everyone else is doing it. Jumping on the bandwagon is something that I refuse to do. I don’t even wonder or care that I might be missing something amazing. Rather, I feel some sort of greatness that I am on the outside. Removed from the hype. It is where I prefer to be. The battle is over.
In the blink of an eye it ended. The fighting seemed endless. Never a reprieve. I suffered and fought alone at the beginning. The time came when I could no longer do it alone. I needed help, but the help was not coming to me. I had to take the lead and convince others to rally alongside me. Not sure how the motivation came over me, but I called for others to join me, and they did. I had become the leader when I am usually the one who joins and follows. I vowed to continue on until we won. I would not quit. Did we win? I'm in disbelief. We won. It’s over, at least for now. I’m still vigilant. I don’t think I can afford not to be vigilant. My body and mind continue to buzz with the feel of fighting still inside me. Days pass and the buzz has finally diminished. The battle is over. It's dark, really dark, almost pitch black. The darkening shade over the window is pulled down, The curtains are pulled tightly shut. A darkening piece of black fabric covers the perimeter around my door where the light might peak through. All electronics with lights are turned off.
The sound machine screams white noise as its internal fan whirls around. It helps a little to mask any noises that may happen around the house. However, I think my house is made of paper because I can still hear others milling around even though it is late. I hear the clanging of the silverware and dishes making their way from the sink to the dishwasher. I hear trampling feet running up the stairs from the laundry room. I hear the adjacent room door loudly shut. I lay in bed while numerous heavy blankets try to comfort me. My mind races with the day's events. I say a prayer, I repeat a mantra or two. Nothing will lull me off to sleep. I turn a podcast on. I briefly fall asleep only to awake again. I turn another podcast on. I fall asleep but only for another moment. I'm awake again so I try to numb my mind by scrolling on my phone. It's almost 2 AM. I finally set the phone down, I don't know when or how I drifted off to sleep, but the next thing I hear is my alarm waking me up for work in the morning. I hope to fall asleep with ease this evening because I can't do this again. My mind needs to let my body rest. The room is a welcomed, warm, and steamy 110 degrees. I’m exhausted from moving my body and shutting off my mind from the outside world for the last hour. My body almost collapses but instead I surrender with control as I lower down to the floor. I lie on my side, using my bicep as a pillow, curled up like a baby inside it’s mother’s womb. A single bead of sweat drips down from my temple. The sweat makes its way down my cheek to the corner of my eye and joins with a single tear. The drip continues to the tip of my nose before it falls heavily into a puddle on my mat. The room is dark with tiny dim lamps in each corner. I am surrounded by others in a large room but I feel safe within my personal aloneness. I continue to let the tears escape one or two at a time. I allow myself a few minutes to release whatever it was that I held inside.
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AMRK-6 Music Teacher Archives
March 2022
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